Feel How You Need to Feel

The very best I have received so far came from a dear friend in one of my support groups. He lost his mother to suicide a few summers ago.. He said "Feel how you need to feel, feel what you want and don't ever try to hide it or be ashamed."

This never really made sense because I hated feeling my emotions. Because as soon as I felt them, that meant that I needed to deal with them. And, I wasn't quite ready for that roller coaster yet.

If you're anything like me, bottling up your emotions is that way to go. The more difficult they are to handle, the deeper they disappear.

But even with as many difficult things as I had gone through in the past, nothing compared to the raw emotions that come from losing someone to suicide.

I felt confused, guilty, betrayed, sad, hurt,  broken, relieved, and so many more emotions that I didn't even know how to identify all of them.

Because of the way that I was raised and grew up, I never really learned how to correctly deal with my emotions in a healthy way, as I felt them.

I didn't want people to feel guilt, or pity towards me. Those feelings were mine.

By finally being honest about how I felt, I slowly (still slowly) learned that accepting how I feel and letting myself feel, was the best thing I could do for myself. I was scared to feel broken. But if I never let myself, then I wouldn't be able to see how broken I really am, and wouldn't be able to figure out where to begin with putting myself back together.

So readers, my advice to you now is to feel how you need to feel. No matter what that is, because until you can feel your emotions and start to deal with them in a healthy way.. you won't be able to move forward.