Be Honest with Yourself, and Others

For a long time after Cory died, I lied to a lot of people.
Now when I say lie, it was more of hiding the truth from them because I was ashamed.
I was worried that people would change the way that they look at me and see me differently. This scared me a lot because, I didn't want people to judge me based on a terrible life changing choice that wasn't mine to make.

So I lied.

I told people that he died in a tragic accident.
I told people that I was okay.
I told people 'of course I haven't been drinking'
I told people not to worry because I had moved on.

This is the truth.

It wasn't a tragic accident. Yes, tragic. But very intentional.
And I wasn't okay. I'm still not, and never really will be.
Yes, I drank a lot. To a point where I still get scared of the cravings I have for it, and you could smell it on my breath.
And no. I have not moved on, but I have learned that I never will move on. The only thing that I can do is move forward. I'll never be okay with it and I will always struggle with it.
But everyday that I struggle is a day closer to accepting that this is real. This everyday nightmare is now my life.

I realized that I couldn't be honest with other people until I was honest with myself. I tried denying that this was real for so long that it just sunk me into a deeper, darker, more terrifying place. Once I was honest with myself and with others, thats when I saw progress. Its slow, slow as hell. But its progress and that is what is important.

Even though I've babbled a bit, the point to this is that until you're honest with yourself and others, You cannot begin to heal.
I'm not saying accept it and move on. I'm only saying, become familiar with the idea that this is real, that you are broken and that that is okay.

Never move on, just slowly. As slowly as you need to.. move forward.