For My Sweet Cousin

This update is for a certain young woman that I know. 

My sweet 16 year old cousin just lost the love of her life to suicide.

This breaks my heart. In so many many ways that are hard to express.

For starters, My family thinks that because I went through the same thing, that I can help her. I would just like to say that as hard as I try, and I will try my hardest, I don't think I can. I know from experience that when I was in her shoes, if anyone tried to help me, I didn't care. I didn't listen. I wanted nothing to do with anybody... not until I was ready to be okay (which I'm still not there all of the way). But, I will never give up on you sweet cousin, ever. Or anybody else that I can help, I will give it my all.

Another reason this is so difficult for me, is because everything she says hits home. It hits so close to home, it hits parts of my emotions that nobody has understood yet. Things that I'm afraid to express and things I'm afraid to say, and feel and try to understand. Things that I've wanted to avoid when dealing with losing Cory. 

Some of the things she says that she's feeling take me right back to that day, and the months that followed. It takes me back to all of the feelings I have buried and still haven't dug up. 

It scares me because in a way I still feel all of these things, I've just become really good at ignoring it. Which is so unhealthy... 

Another thing that I wish I could help her understand is that even though it seems hopeless, there is a future. You have an amazing future that can happen if you really want it too.. This trial does not have to define you. If anything it can help shape you to who you are meant to be. 

I'm not sure who reads this, if anyone.. but the main thing that I want to say to my sweet cousin and anyone else who is going through a similar situation, is that right now? It's not okay. What happened isn't fair, and isn't right. But? It's going to be okay. You may not feel right, you may feel lost, confused, depressed, or even numb and many many other things. But that is okay! The fact that you are feeling is good. Even if it's pain, it's okay. You are human (I hope) and it is normal. There is nothing wrong with not knowing what's going on. There is nothing wrong with not knowing or not being able to define what you are feeling, thinking or going through.

The reason I say 'okay' instead of fine, or alright, is because it's not fine. It's not alright. It's barely okay at first. But the fact that you are here and still breathing and trying in whatever way makes it an experience like no other.. What happened isn't okay. But you are here. You are trying. That? Is AMAZING.  

Please don't ever give up.

Please if you are suffering just hold on. Get help, and try to understand that you are not alone. Please?

Even if you don't understand how, then please just believe and trust me when I say that it gets better. It may seem like it won't.. and maybe in a way you don't want it too.. but that's okay too. This is one of the most difficult thing that any of us will ever have to deal with. It can be nearly impossible alone.. let's come together. I know that's it's hard to reach out. But if we all try to understand each other then maybe, just maybe we can make it out of this nightmare together.

I'm Sorry.

There are three reasons why I want to apologize and get this out.

The first set of people I want to apologize to are my readers. Even though there aren't many, I feel like it's important to keep consistent and I haven't been doing that. I've been going through quite a few things lately that are very difficult for me to sort through. So I'm working on it, and hope to be able to be more consistent.

The second set of people are those are currently being affected. Lately, with the things I have been going through, I have been shutting some people out of my life and with others I lash out. I want all of you to understand that it's really nothing you are saying or doing that is setting me off. It's me, and what  I'm struggling with. Please do not take it personally! I'm going through some difficult struggles that many of you may also be struggling with if you are in a similar situation (PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and so forth).

The third person I want to apologize to is Cory. For many, many reasons. Some of which I can't share with you readers, or anyone. But, really? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't see this coming. I'm sorry that you felt like taking your own life was the only way out. I'm sorry that you felt so alone, and scared, and I shut you out. I'm sorry for not being the person you needed. I'm sorry that you can't be here to watch your sweet daughter grow. I'm sorry that this is how you'll be remembered.

I'm sorry.

I want my readers to know that all of the emotions that come with these situations is VERY difficult to sort through and VERY difficult to overcome. But! They are VERY NORMAL! Don't feel like you shouldn't be feeling these things, and don't feel like you're alone.

If you are going through some of these things, or feel like you are in danger of yourself, or others please call 1-800-273-8255. Yes, It is a hotline. But I have called them many many times, even just when I'm down. It helps so much!! Just try it!

I would also strongly suggest getting some professional help. Venting online, and to friends and family can only do so much. I'm not a professional, but if any of you are struggling and need to talk and don't feel comfortable calling a hotline.. You are more than welcome to message me, and I will do all that I can for you. Please realize that you aren't alone.

June 27th 2012. That Day.

It was a Wednesday.
It was a lazy day.
It was a sunny, warm, beautiful day.
It was a good day.

All of the sudden,
It was THAT day.

My best friend and I sat down for some lunch to eat the best salad I have ever tasted to this day. Jenna was crawling around on the floor and we were just laughing, sippin coffee and doing nothing. When all of the sudden we hear a knock at the door. Confused she went to answer it, It was Cory. She looked at me and said, "Jas, It's Cory. What do you want me to do?" The previous night we had gotten into a fight and I told him to give me a couple of days to cool off, so he was the last person I expected. He refused to go away and insisted that I talk to him. So I did.. We stepped outside of the second floor apartment I was living in.

I started out with, "Cory, after last night you know I need a couple of days to think about this, about us, about everything we talked about yesterday." He continued by saying, "Jasmine, I just need you to listen for a minute, please?" So I nodded, saying yes. Of course I would give him my time! (The decision I was trying to make from the previous day was whether or not I was ready to get back together with him.. I had already decided yes. But he didn't know.) He continued by saying, "Jasmine, no matter what happens between us just know that I love you. I have loved you since the moment I set eyes on you and nothing will ever change that. I have made so many mistakes, but you and Jenna are not on that long list. I need you to remember me and know me for who I was at my best, you knew me the very best. Please don't ever let Jenna forget who I was or how much I loved her. Always, Always know that I am with you and will be there for you. Anytime, anyplace." At that point I got concerned, I said Cory, "No, you're not making sense. Of course you will be with us.. Like where would you go? were broke." He responded, "Jasmine, I'm not going anywhere far. I'll always be here. Just don't worry and love Jenna." I started crying. I thought he was getting on his bike and traveling, going, needing space. He hugged me, kissed my forehead, nose and lips. Whispered, "Goodbye Jasmine" Then started to walk away. I yelled after him "Cory, can't we talk about this? Are you really just gonna walk away?"

Then he started down the stairs. As he was walking away he pulled the gun out from the back of his pants. I instantly thought 'oh, shit.' I ran inside and said, 'Chelsea, call the police. Cory just pulled out a gun and I don't know what he's going to do.' Her mom and I walked to the window. My heart was pounding as he lifted it to his chest. Then it happened. He collapsed. The bang wasn't nearly as loud as I thought it would have been. I kept on praying he would get back up I just should there in shock. That did not just happen. My husband, my baby girls father did not just shoot himself.

Before I realized what it all was, I was on the ground. Her mom shoved me down, yelling 'Jasmine. Do not get up. Do not look out this window. Crawl to the back bedroom and pack Jenna an overnight bag for your mothers house. Get your mom on the phone. But no matter what, do not go outside!' then she was gone. And Chelsea was out the door to get him. In such a state of shock, I did exactly what she said. Jenna and I crawled to the back room, and packed her a bag. Got my mom on the phone and panicked. Chelsea's mother took over from there. Then I proceeded by calling his sister, she also took that call for me. I couldn't explain what had just happened. Because to me, it didn't.

And yes. I looked out the window.. For a moment it gave me a relief and a flood of hope. But only for a brief, brief moment. As I looked out I saw Chelsea helping him up, hardly any blood. I thought, 'Oh, Thank God!! It just knicked him and he's okay.' But before I could finish that thought he was on the ground again. I instantly dropped back down to the ground regretting ever getting up to look. I wish I could truly explain the emotions that paralyzed me when I saw him...

It was a Wednesday
It was a Hectic, Crazy day
It was dark, gloomy, ugly day
It was a Terrible day.


I'm sorry readers. I've been working on this for over a week trying to bring it all out and I can't right now.. this is as far as I'm able to go. This is emotionally ripping me apart. I'll update the rest of the story when I can. Sorry. It's been a rough few weeks.

Be Aware of Your Surroundings

Today in society a lot of people aren't very aware of their surroundings and how much of an impact what they say and do is really making. 

The first time I really understood this was a couple of weeks after Cory had died. I was working at the local mall, on avery slow day. My coworker and I were talking trying to keep each other company when she came out and said, 'Ah! I'm so bored, I wanna shoot myself'. 

She wasn't aware of what had recently happened in my life and she couldn't understand why I instantly started crying. She didn't understand how as soon as she said that, I started panicking and couldn't breath. She didn't understand that even those few words to her, meant she was so bored, how intensely they sent such a hard, confusing fury throughout my entire body. 

Until I had gone through this specific experience, I wouldn't have understood it either. But now I do, And it makes me wonder about what other people have experienced and how what I say everyday can effect them. For example: One day my best friend told me she loved me, and how she said it was 'I love you more than a back alley hooker loves crack'. To me I laughed and thought it was hilarious.. But then I got to thinking. What if someone who had been listening knew someone who was addicted to crack? Or was a back alley hooker? What she said could have been very offensive. Now that example, was a little far fetched. Maybe. But that's the point. You never ever know. Every single person has had such a wide range of experiences in their life, that you can't even guess how it has affected them. 

Just be careful what you say, because even if it's funny to you. It could change someone's whole day, or week, or month, year or life. Make sure that what you say, you are aware of what it actually means. Make sure that you are aware (as much as you can be) of who is around you and what they have gone through. No matter the topic, religion, race, politics or personal experiences like mine. Be aware.

Feel How You Need to Feel

The very best I have received so far came from a dear friend in one of my support groups. He lost his mother to suicide a few summers ago.. He said "Feel how you need to feel, feel what you want and don't ever try to hide it or be ashamed."

This never really made sense because I hated feeling my emotions. Because as soon as I felt them, that meant that I needed to deal with them. And, I wasn't quite ready for that roller coaster yet.

If you're anything like me, bottling up your emotions is that way to go. The more difficult they are to handle, the deeper they disappear.

But even with as many difficult things as I had gone through in the past, nothing compared to the raw emotions that come from losing someone to suicide.

I felt confused, guilty, betrayed, sad, hurt,  broken, relieved, and so many more emotions that I didn't even know how to identify all of them.

Because of the way that I was raised and grew up, I never really learned how to correctly deal with my emotions in a healthy way, as I felt them.

I didn't want people to feel guilt, or pity towards me. Those feelings were mine.

By finally being honest about how I felt, I slowly (still slowly) learned that accepting how I feel and letting myself feel, was the best thing I could do for myself. I was scared to feel broken. But if I never let myself, then I wouldn't be able to see how broken I really am, and wouldn't be able to figure out where to begin with putting myself back together.

So readers, my advice to you now is to feel how you need to feel. No matter what that is, because until you can feel your emotions and start to deal with them in a healthy way.. you won't be able to move forward.

Why is a Question We Ask Way to Often

This song.

This song and the lyrics explain how I felt after he passed away. I cry my eyes out EVERY TIME I hear it, without fail.

I'll do my very best to explain how it makes me feel.

Well to start, I always used to ask why. Why would he leave us? Why would he think that this was okay? Why? Why? Why?

I used to drive myself absolutely mad trying to figure out how anybody in their right mind could take their life.

Then I realized, he wasn't in his right mind.

This for me took a long time to accept. But knowing that he was ill does bring a bit of peace to me, a bit of understanding.. not anywhere near what I need. But? It helps. Every little millimeter of progress helps.

Eventually I realized that I can't keep asking myself why. Because there are some things, and some answers that we are just never going to get. This too, was very hard to accept. Its something that is taking me a very long time and will time quite a bit more.

But I'm slowly coming along.

I've also decided to post the lyrics in case some parts are harder to understand. For me, reading the lyrics brings out a whole different set of feelings than the song. Both very emotional and both very hard to deal with.. both feelings that I want to avoid.

                                                                          "Why"

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

I wish that I could explain in a better way all the emotions and thoughts running through my head as I read over these lyrics and play this song. But for those of you who are reading this, I think you'll understand. And my advice to you is this.. Don't ask why. It really only leads to trouble and more questions, more why's. More confusion, heartache and pain. Just take this situation for what it is. Focus on the good, and slowly try to move forward.

Be Honest with Yourself, and Others

For a long time after Cory died, I lied to a lot of people.
Now when I say lie, it was more of hiding the truth from them because I was ashamed.
I was worried that people would change the way that they look at me and see me differently. This scared me a lot because, I didn't want people to judge me based on a terrible life changing choice that wasn't mine to make.

So I lied.

I told people that he died in a tragic accident.
I told people that I was okay.
I told people 'of course I haven't been drinking'
I told people not to worry because I had moved on.

This is the truth.

It wasn't a tragic accident. Yes, tragic. But very intentional.
And I wasn't okay. I'm still not, and never really will be.
Yes, I drank a lot. To a point where I still get scared of the cravings I have for it, and you could smell it on my breath.
And no. I have not moved on, but I have learned that I never will move on. The only thing that I can do is move forward. I'll never be okay with it and I will always struggle with it.
But everyday that I struggle is a day closer to accepting that this is real. This everyday nightmare is now my life.

I realized that I couldn't be honest with other people until I was honest with myself. I tried denying that this was real for so long that it just sunk me into a deeper, darker, more terrifying place. Once I was honest with myself and with others, thats when I saw progress. Its slow, slow as hell. But its progress and that is what is important.

Even though I've babbled a bit, the point to this is that until you're honest with yourself and others, You cannot begin to heal.
I'm not saying accept it and move on. I'm only saying, become familiar with the idea that this is real, that you are broken and that that is okay.

Never move on, just slowly. As slowly as you need to.. move forward.