For My Sweet Cousin

This update is for a certain young woman that I know. 

My sweet 16 year old cousin just lost the love of her life to suicide.

This breaks my heart. In so many many ways that are hard to express.

For starters, My family thinks that because I went through the same thing, that I can help her. I would just like to say that as hard as I try, and I will try my hardest, I don't think I can. I know from experience that when I was in her shoes, if anyone tried to help me, I didn't care. I didn't listen. I wanted nothing to do with anybody... not until I was ready to be okay (which I'm still not there all of the way). But, I will never give up on you sweet cousin, ever. Or anybody else that I can help, I will give it my all.

Another reason this is so difficult for me, is because everything she says hits home. It hits so close to home, it hits parts of my emotions that nobody has understood yet. Things that I'm afraid to express and things I'm afraid to say, and feel and try to understand. Things that I've wanted to avoid when dealing with losing Cory. 

Some of the things she says that she's feeling take me right back to that day, and the months that followed. It takes me back to all of the feelings I have buried and still haven't dug up. 

It scares me because in a way I still feel all of these things, I've just become really good at ignoring it. Which is so unhealthy... 

Another thing that I wish I could help her understand is that even though it seems hopeless, there is a future. You have an amazing future that can happen if you really want it too.. This trial does not have to define you. If anything it can help shape you to who you are meant to be. 

I'm not sure who reads this, if anyone.. but the main thing that I want to say to my sweet cousin and anyone else who is going through a similar situation, is that right now? It's not okay. What happened isn't fair, and isn't right. But? It's going to be okay. You may not feel right, you may feel lost, confused, depressed, or even numb and many many other things. But that is okay! The fact that you are feeling is good. Even if it's pain, it's okay. You are human (I hope) and it is normal. There is nothing wrong with not knowing what's going on. There is nothing wrong with not knowing or not being able to define what you are feeling, thinking or going through.

The reason I say 'okay' instead of fine, or alright, is because it's not fine. It's not alright. It's barely okay at first. But the fact that you are here and still breathing and trying in whatever way makes it an experience like no other.. What happened isn't okay. But you are here. You are trying. That? Is AMAZING.  

Please don't ever give up.

Please if you are suffering just hold on. Get help, and try to understand that you are not alone. Please?

Even if you don't understand how, then please just believe and trust me when I say that it gets better. It may seem like it won't.. and maybe in a way you don't want it too.. but that's okay too. This is one of the most difficult thing that any of us will ever have to deal with. It can be nearly impossible alone.. let's come together. I know that's it's hard to reach out. But if we all try to understand each other then maybe, just maybe we can make it out of this nightmare together.