June 27th 2012. That Day.

It was a Wednesday.
It was a lazy day.
It was a sunny, warm, beautiful day.
It was a good day.

All of the sudden,
It was THAT day.

My best friend and I sat down for some lunch to eat the best salad I have ever tasted to this day. Jenna was crawling around on the floor and we were just laughing, sippin coffee and doing nothing. When all of the sudden we hear a knock at the door. Confused she went to answer it, It was Cory. She looked at me and said, "Jas, It's Cory. What do you want me to do?" The previous night we had gotten into a fight and I told him to give me a couple of days to cool off, so he was the last person I expected. He refused to go away and insisted that I talk to him. So I did.. We stepped outside of the second floor apartment I was living in.

I started out with, "Cory, after last night you know I need a couple of days to think about this, about us, about everything we talked about yesterday." He continued by saying, "Jasmine, I just need you to listen for a minute, please?" So I nodded, saying yes. Of course I would give him my time! (The decision I was trying to make from the previous day was whether or not I was ready to get back together with him.. I had already decided yes. But he didn't know.) He continued by saying, "Jasmine, no matter what happens between us just know that I love you. I have loved you since the moment I set eyes on you and nothing will ever change that. I have made so many mistakes, but you and Jenna are not on that long list. I need you to remember me and know me for who I was at my best, you knew me the very best. Please don't ever let Jenna forget who I was or how much I loved her. Always, Always know that I am with you and will be there for you. Anytime, anyplace." At that point I got concerned, I said Cory, "No, you're not making sense. Of course you will be with us.. Like where would you go? were broke." He responded, "Jasmine, I'm not going anywhere far. I'll always be here. Just don't worry and love Jenna." I started crying. I thought he was getting on his bike and traveling, going, needing space. He hugged me, kissed my forehead, nose and lips. Whispered, "Goodbye Jasmine" Then started to walk away. I yelled after him "Cory, can't we talk about this? Are you really just gonna walk away?"

Then he started down the stairs. As he was walking away he pulled the gun out from the back of his pants. I instantly thought 'oh, shit.' I ran inside and said, 'Chelsea, call the police. Cory just pulled out a gun and I don't know what he's going to do.' Her mom and I walked to the window. My heart was pounding as he lifted it to his chest. Then it happened. He collapsed. The bang wasn't nearly as loud as I thought it would have been. I kept on praying he would get back up I just should there in shock. That did not just happen. My husband, my baby girls father did not just shoot himself.

Before I realized what it all was, I was on the ground. Her mom shoved me down, yelling 'Jasmine. Do not get up. Do not look out this window. Crawl to the back bedroom and pack Jenna an overnight bag for your mothers house. Get your mom on the phone. But no matter what, do not go outside!' then she was gone. And Chelsea was out the door to get him. In such a state of shock, I did exactly what she said. Jenna and I crawled to the back room, and packed her a bag. Got my mom on the phone and panicked. Chelsea's mother took over from there. Then I proceeded by calling his sister, she also took that call for me. I couldn't explain what had just happened. Because to me, it didn't.

And yes. I looked out the window.. For a moment it gave me a relief and a flood of hope. But only for a brief, brief moment. As I looked out I saw Chelsea helping him up, hardly any blood. I thought, 'Oh, Thank God!! It just knicked him and he's okay.' But before I could finish that thought he was on the ground again. I instantly dropped back down to the ground regretting ever getting up to look. I wish I could truly explain the emotions that paralyzed me when I saw him...

It was a Wednesday
It was a Hectic, Crazy day
It was dark, gloomy, ugly day
It was a Terrible day.


I'm sorry readers. I've been working on this for over a week trying to bring it all out and I can't right now.. this is as far as I'm able to go. This is emotionally ripping me apart. I'll update the rest of the story when I can. Sorry. It's been a rough few weeks.

Be Aware of Your Surroundings

Today in society a lot of people aren't very aware of their surroundings and how much of an impact what they say and do is really making. 

The first time I really understood this was a couple of weeks after Cory had died. I was working at the local mall, on avery slow day. My coworker and I were talking trying to keep each other company when she came out and said, 'Ah! I'm so bored, I wanna shoot myself'. 

She wasn't aware of what had recently happened in my life and she couldn't understand why I instantly started crying. She didn't understand how as soon as she said that, I started panicking and couldn't breath. She didn't understand that even those few words to her, meant she was so bored, how intensely they sent such a hard, confusing fury throughout my entire body. 

Until I had gone through this specific experience, I wouldn't have understood it either. But now I do, And it makes me wonder about what other people have experienced and how what I say everyday can effect them. For example: One day my best friend told me she loved me, and how she said it was 'I love you more than a back alley hooker loves crack'. To me I laughed and thought it was hilarious.. But then I got to thinking. What if someone who had been listening knew someone who was addicted to crack? Or was a back alley hooker? What she said could have been very offensive. Now that example, was a little far fetched. Maybe. But that's the point. You never ever know. Every single person has had such a wide range of experiences in their life, that you can't even guess how it has affected them. 

Just be careful what you say, because even if it's funny to you. It could change someone's whole day, or week, or month, year or life. Make sure that what you say, you are aware of what it actually means. Make sure that you are aware (as much as you can be) of who is around you and what they have gone through. No matter the topic, religion, race, politics or personal experiences like mine. Be aware.

Feel How You Need to Feel

The very best I have received so far came from a dear friend in one of my support groups. He lost his mother to suicide a few summers ago.. He said "Feel how you need to feel, feel what you want and don't ever try to hide it or be ashamed."

This never really made sense because I hated feeling my emotions. Because as soon as I felt them, that meant that I needed to deal with them. And, I wasn't quite ready for that roller coaster yet.

If you're anything like me, bottling up your emotions is that way to go. The more difficult they are to handle, the deeper they disappear.

But even with as many difficult things as I had gone through in the past, nothing compared to the raw emotions that come from losing someone to suicide.

I felt confused, guilty, betrayed, sad, hurt,  broken, relieved, and so many more emotions that I didn't even know how to identify all of them.

Because of the way that I was raised and grew up, I never really learned how to correctly deal with my emotions in a healthy way, as I felt them.

I didn't want people to feel guilt, or pity towards me. Those feelings were mine.

By finally being honest about how I felt, I slowly (still slowly) learned that accepting how I feel and letting myself feel, was the best thing I could do for myself. I was scared to feel broken. But if I never let myself, then I wouldn't be able to see how broken I really am, and wouldn't be able to figure out where to begin with putting myself back together.

So readers, my advice to you now is to feel how you need to feel. No matter what that is, because until you can feel your emotions and start to deal with them in a healthy way.. you won't be able to move forward.

Why is a Question We Ask Way to Often

This song.

This song and the lyrics explain how I felt after he passed away. I cry my eyes out EVERY TIME I hear it, without fail.

I'll do my very best to explain how it makes me feel.

Well to start, I always used to ask why. Why would he leave us? Why would he think that this was okay? Why? Why? Why?

I used to drive myself absolutely mad trying to figure out how anybody in their right mind could take their life.

Then I realized, he wasn't in his right mind.

This for me took a long time to accept. But knowing that he was ill does bring a bit of peace to me, a bit of understanding.. not anywhere near what I need. But? It helps. Every little millimeter of progress helps.

Eventually I realized that I can't keep asking myself why. Because there are some things, and some answers that we are just never going to get. This too, was very hard to accept. Its something that is taking me a very long time and will time quite a bit more.

But I'm slowly coming along.

I've also decided to post the lyrics in case some parts are harder to understand. For me, reading the lyrics brings out a whole different set of feelings than the song. Both very emotional and both very hard to deal with.. both feelings that I want to avoid.

                                                                          "Why"

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

I wish that I could explain in a better way all the emotions and thoughts running through my head as I read over these lyrics and play this song. But for those of you who are reading this, I think you'll understand. And my advice to you is this.. Don't ask why. It really only leads to trouble and more questions, more why's. More confusion, heartache and pain. Just take this situation for what it is. Focus on the good, and slowly try to move forward.

Be Honest with Yourself, and Others

For a long time after Cory died, I lied to a lot of people.
Now when I say lie, it was more of hiding the truth from them because I was ashamed.
I was worried that people would change the way that they look at me and see me differently. This scared me a lot because, I didn't want people to judge me based on a terrible life changing choice that wasn't mine to make.

So I lied.

I told people that he died in a tragic accident.
I told people that I was okay.
I told people 'of course I haven't been drinking'
I told people not to worry because I had moved on.

This is the truth.

It wasn't a tragic accident. Yes, tragic. But very intentional.
And I wasn't okay. I'm still not, and never really will be.
Yes, I drank a lot. To a point where I still get scared of the cravings I have for it, and you could smell it on my breath.
And no. I have not moved on, but I have learned that I never will move on. The only thing that I can do is move forward. I'll never be okay with it and I will always struggle with it.
But everyday that I struggle is a day closer to accepting that this is real. This everyday nightmare is now my life.

I realized that I couldn't be honest with other people until I was honest with myself. I tried denying that this was real for so long that it just sunk me into a deeper, darker, more terrifying place. Once I was honest with myself and with others, thats when I saw progress. Its slow, slow as hell. But its progress and that is what is important.

Even though I've babbled a bit, the point to this is that until you're honest with yourself and others, You cannot begin to heal.
I'm not saying accept it and move on. I'm only saying, become familiar with the idea that this is real, that you are broken and that that is okay.

Never move on, just slowly. As slowly as you need to.. move forward.

Going from this to that

Going From This:

                                                                           To that:

 In just 10 short months.


With this blog I'm starting I'm hoping it will reach many and be able to help many. The idea of starting this blog first came from a school assignment, But has already become so much more to me.
I'm hoping that by starting this blog, and by sharing my story.. It will not only help my personal healing, but so that I can hear stories of those who have gone through similar situations and so that I in turn can help them.

After this particular situation happened, I found that the only thing that helped me move forward with my life was by talking to other people who had been in my situation or one similar to it. I was very scared to open and up and share what had happened to me, but once I did? A whole new world opened up to me that I never knew existed. There is this whole community of people exactly like me. Making those connections and helping those bonds grow has been what has helped me the most.

Suicide affects so many people. Many more than most of us realize. Not just those who die by suicide, but everything and everyone that they leave behind. Because it is a touchy subject and something that is hard to understand.. I'm hoping that with this blog we will be able to come together. Break down the stereotypes, and the walls that surround us. I want to openly be able to talk about what I have gone through and not make people uncomfortable, I want to be able to reach out and help those who are scared to come forward like I was.

This is my story in a very vague sense. More detail to come in later posts.


Nov. 2010 Jasmine and Cory started dating
Dec. 2012 Cory Proposed to Jasmine (spur of the moment, vending machine ring)
Jan. 2011 Jasmine and Cory found out they were having a baby
July 2011 Cory Proposed to Jasmine (the real deal)
Aug. 2011 Jasmine and Cory got married
June 2012 Cory took his life.

My name is Jasmine.

'This is a story all about how my life got flip turned upside down, I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, while I tell you all about how I became a young, single, widowed mother at 18.'

When I was 16 years old, I met the love the of my life. He was the first real and good thing that I had found for myself in a really long time. For the first time in a long time I was honestly happy with myself and where my life was going. I finally found meaning, and myself again. I felt like I didn't need anti-depressants just to help feel something...anything.

We started dating in November of 2010 and like any two love struck teenagers, we fell madly in love in a heartbeat. Being each others first real loves, we were each others everything. One thing led to another and in January we found out that we were going to have a baby. Like most teen parents, were weren't discouraged or upset. We were SO excited! Scared as hell, but we knew that as long as we had each other everything would be fine. So, we started preparing ourselves for the life of young parents.

He officially proposed in July when we were up in the mountains at his families cabin. Our favorite place to be.. Then on August 13th, 2011 we were married. Then on Sept. 30 our sweet baby girl Jenna Rebecca was born. Finally we were the family we had been waiting for!

Then, after some struggle and some heartache. Cory chose to take his life in June of 2012. It was the most horrific thing I have yet to experience in my young life. Our life and everything that led up to that point it such a sharp blur. Such a confusing mess, so difficult yet so wonderful.